I’m in some twisted denial. I know what is going to happen, but I still haven’t accepted it. I STILL think that cycle day 2 will not come again, because I will be pregnant. A medium told me it would happen naturally. Is it naive to think that is part of why I have held off on IVF for so long?
My period is coming some time this weekend, so naturally I have been testing a couple of times a day. Having major “line eye”...swearing I see a shadow. Comparing it to photos of previous positives, which isn’t very logical since those ended in miscarriage. Looking up statistics of positives on CountdownToPregnancy for the specific test brand on my DPO. (Days past ovulation.) Symptom spotting...cramps? Gagging when I brush my teeth? Oh, my boobs look bigger. My period is coming, and the very next day I will begin my IVF journey, officially, after 48 cycles of TTC hell.
This was our plan when we met with the RE in January. I have had all testing, blood work, panels...put on synthroid. I have had a saline sonogram and endometrial biopsy. I have filled out all of the paperwork, signed the consents. My husband has had a sperm analysis and froze the sample. I have had a physical. I have watched the videos. I have switched insurances to one that has SOME coverage. I have paid thousands for meds and received them in 2 giant boxes. I have had a practice egg retrieval. Everything is in order, except for my brain...because I still can’t believe this is my reality.
I grieved hard when the 4 medicated natural cycles failed. It took a few days to pull myself from that dark empty place.
IVF was something I heard about as a teenager, and thought “wow that’s cool and weird”...then I listened to The Smashing Pumpkins and chatted on aol. It was never something I thought I would need to get to my second baby. I’m healthy, have normal cycles, and was 33 when we started trying again.
I feel like I need to plug my brain directly into acceptance. Maybe that will come with the first med injection. I wish there was a button on my body that I could press and it would automatically go back to factory presets so that it could properly carry a healthy pregnancy.
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