Background info/ Infertility is like a banquet with plates full of mindfucks

...another that I wrote and saved one year ago. “Background info,” if you will.

8/6

The July cycle was a mini cycle. I chalk that up to all of the changes I have made: dairy free gluten free limited soy. Also, acupuncture, Chinese herbs. My cycle was a 23 day stress-filled month. I didn’t get a positive OPK. I thought back to what a medium friend told me a few months ago, to let my womb heal and start anew. I am often looking for signs from nature and the universe. If I see a cardinal within the next two minutes, I will be pregnant. If the butterfly lands next to me, it will mean I am pregnant. I look at dates for meaning. If my due date is my dad’s birthday, good sign! My husband and I’s dating anniversary? Definitely going to happen this month. TTC is maddening. Infertility is toxic. All the signs were wrong, anyway, because my period came 7 days early. At least I didn’t waste many pregnancy tests this cycle! 😔😭 

My current cycle is a biggie. It is officially 3 years of trying at the end of this cycle. (Again with the dates and measurements). I have been extremely emotional, awful mood swings, depressed, weepy, inpatient-not fun to be around. One moment, I throw in the towel and decide I’m not going to worry about it anymore. “Whatever happens will happen.” Seconds later, I am in my makeshift chemistry lab aka my bathroom peeing on 4 different pregnancy tests and studying the shit out of them. I have had zero pregnancy symptoms this cycle. Chin acne showed up on 10 dpo, sure sign I am not pregnant (see previous post). I tested at 7, 8, and 9 dpo (definitely no second lines. Believe me, I inspected them in different lighting and at different angles, tweaked them in photo apps, etc) then stopped. I knew there is no chance. I’ve been temping this month. I know I ovulated on cycle day 16, got a + OPK on day 15 and temp went up after 16. Another thing to google, charting. Comparing charts. Studying and looking for any possible early signs of pregnancy. But just like symptoms, temps fluctuate month to month and there are similarities between pregnant and not pregnant. So essentially, just another total mindfuck added to my plate. Infertility is like a banquet filled with plates of mindfucks.