My firstborn, second child. (Unique struggles of secondary infertility)

“You should feel lucky, at least you have a child.” 

The sting of that statement that has been said to me, and to many women like me, multiple times aches. Its intent is to invalidate my pain and struggle. As if there is some sort of infertility hierarchy, and women with secondary infertility don’t deserve to feel as bad as those with infertility. Of course I love my daughter with all of my heart, and feel the luckiest to have her. Here is what I DON’T feel lucky about. 

Before Sailor, I had a miscarriage. It was a complete surprise, and I was very naive to how common miscarriages were. That wasn’t lucky. 

After Sailor, I have suffered through four more miscarriages. That makes five babies that I have lost; so yes, I have one living child but five are no longer in this realm. This was not lucky. 

Because I have a small child, I had to be strong for her and try to pretend everything was ok. We even went to an amusement/water park hotel the same afternoon of a miscarriage that happened that morning. I had to protect her from my pain. Sometimes I wasn’t very good at it, and she sensed things...I know because she was extra snuggly, extra needy, and frequently cried for no reason during those times. This was NOT lucky. 

Us women in the secondary infertility club get to also experience intense guilt, in addition to the depression, anxiety, sometimes loss and grief, etc. My guilt stems from two areas specifically: 

Sailor asks me daily for a baby brother. She has for years now, and she doesn’t understand why we don’t have one yet. She knows we want one too. We told her babies are made from love, so after a while she told me to kiss Rob before bed and in the morning so that her brother would come. Eventually, I realized that she thought rob and I didn’t love each other enough, and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. We had to explain that it is a little more scientific. She has also talked to him in heaven, trying to summons him down. She makes the baby things. She told me that maybe I should say out loud that I will love her and the baby the same, because maybe he is sad that I love her most and that’s why he isn’t coming to join us. The things she says and does happen weekly, sometimes daily. 

My other source of guilt is the time and energy I have devoted to infertility, since it has been 4 years of this. Since Sailor was 2...I feel like a lot of the past couple years are a blur. I have missed out on being 100% me for her, and it kills me because she deserves 100%. All of the times I couldn’t pull myself out of it and put on a happy face are piled up in my mind. It’s very hard for me to dig myself out of that and to focus on the positives. 

I don’t have answers. Tests have all been normal, my cycles are normal. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I don’t feel lucky about that, it has been fucking awful. 

I just want my family to be complete. Secondary infertility SUCKS.