Come onnnnn FET cycle

So I’m not sure if this rage is from PMS or from “coming down from hormones” from my egg retrieval cycle, but it is in high gear. Doesn’t help when my significant other is defensive and condescending instead of understanding and patient. I’m hoping it is PMS because it feels like I have known about my embryos and have been waiting around forever. There is so much waiting in this process, and I’m far from patient. On top of feeling crazy highs and lows, I have been so disappointed with the lack of any sort of contact from certain people, as previously expressed. Realllly needing to get over this hump so I can focus on the positive.

Why are you annoyed today, Gillian?

It would be nice to have verbal support from more “friends” and “family.” I understand that infertility is a taboo topic, and people don’t necessarily know what to say. But I don’t think it is expecting too much for people I have known and been close friends with for years, some decades, to reach out even ONCE and say “hey I am thinking of you” or “wishing you the best!” Or just something as simple as sending hugs.” It is one thing to pretend you don’t see at least one of my many posts, but you can’t claim innocence when I literally reach out to you and you don’t even respond. People don’t get it, but again, my expectations are not very high. When you are going through the most difficult thing in your life and you are vocal about it, you realize who your true friends are and it is often surprising. That cliche is a reality for me. Certain people have also commented in ways that seem judgy as if they are trying to shame me. Or maybe it just comes off that way through text? Disappointing.

Cycle day 23 and Annoyed

Things were going way too smoothly. Now I am not so sure about a natural cycle transfer...unless it is normal to ovulate on day 23, a week late, the cycle after egg retrieval? I wouldn’t know because they didn’t call me back. This moves things back a bit, since my period won’t come for two weeks after ovulating...this delays things a full week. Maybe more if my cycles are messed up? We decided on a natural transfer instead of medicated specifically because my cycles were regular and normal-30 days, ovulate day 14-16. Trying not to stress about this, and wish they called me back. 

what the cycle of a transfer looks like, summarized

Waiting around for cycle day 1. Have never been so looking forward to getting my period! The sooner it comes, the sooner we begin. My doctor recommended a “natural cycle transfer”. He has gotten us this far with success, so I am trusting him. At least I will not have any injections! On day 10, I start daily monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasound). This continues each morning until LH surge is detected. LH surge happens just before ovulation. 2 days after the surge, I start progesterone. 4ish dats after that, we will do the transfer. (We already chose the embryo.) 12 days after transfer, pregnancy test. Fingers crossed that we are successful with our first transfer!!

Balanced scale

Having a moment. I’m honestly surprised at a few people who have been completely silent since we have shared some of what we have gone through in the past 4 years. It doesn’t take much to comment or text and say “hey, that sucks. I’m here for you.” Or “sending good vibes” or even “♥️”. I’m an empath 100%, which is likely why it bothers me. I guess through tragedy and tough times, people show their true colors. Some who you think will be there aren’t, and others who you didn’t even realize cared shine through. Good thing there is a balance, or I’d be super bummed out. 

Drumroll, please

Three! Three three threeee embryos with normal healthy chromosomes!! And two more with low-level mosaic! The amount of relief I feel is abundant. Cautiously optimistic...one step closer. 

I want all three of them. But we will transfer one, in about a month from now, after some monitoring. 

Waiting and waiting some more

The first part of IVF flies by, because you’re actively taking shots, being monitored with bloodwork and ultrasounds and talking to doctors. When you do PGS testing, it feels like an actual lifetime of waiting. They call you the day after egg retrieval, then again on day 5/6, and then it is 2 weeks before you hear from them again. Two long, silent weeks spent living in your head wondering what’s happening with your potential future child. The lab charged my credit card today, which means results were likely sent to my doctor. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Is it bedtime yet?

So so so tired from checking my phone 148264927492105757274 times today in hopes that I would have a message from the embryo testing lab. Fingers crossed it comes tomorrow, or I will be a crazy lady all weekend. 😩

Everyone is pregnant when you are not pregnant

I hate Tuesday’s. I belong to a group on Facebook, and every Tuesday is “tummy Tuesday”, or a day when mama-to-be’s get to show off their baby bumps. I avoid Facebook every week, as to not subject myself to a sea of pregnant bellies. 

Everyone is pregnant when you are going through infertility. Literally everywhere you look, multiple people are pregnant. It is as if a fucked up brain pregnancy scanner switch turns on...it’s wild. Women shopping, crossing the street, cashiers, colleagues, my fertility nurse (yes, really), people in waiting rooms, actresses, characters on tv, cousins, friends, enemies, frenemies, sisters, drug dealers, hobos, murderers, grandmas, Every. One. 

Even men start to look pregnant. It is hard to not become ragey...and it makes me feel awful. Sometimes. The exceptions are when 1 someone has approximately 14 kids and is pregnant again, 2 someone is a drug addict loser who has given her existing children to family members, 3 someone who complains about a positive test, 4 someone who “omg! Wasn’t even trying...was on birth control! Total miracle”, clueless people who tried for one month. 

It’s so hard to remain positive and happy for people, but it is important to keep reminding myself that everyone has a story and journey that I know nothing about. They had their own path, and even though it is hard as hell not to compare, it’s vital to my mental health. “Why me?” And “it’s not fair” thinking is not helpful. 

It is ok to be happy for someone else and sad for yourself. It took me a while to figure that out...I felt like a horrible person, and there was so much guilt. Particularly when my sister told me she was pregnant, and due a few days after my first miscarriage. I was shocked, I didn’t know she was trying (not my business, but I just wasn’t expecting it). I cried. A lot...hysterically. I felt so bad, but couldn’t control it. She felt so bad...and it hurts me to my core to think that my experience ruined her happy news. She couldn’t fully be openly happy and excited. THAT wasn’t fair. It was difficult for me, and likely for her, to navigate that delicate balance of communication and feelings. I love my nephew so much, and once I got past those initial emotions I honestly felt nothing but happy about a new baby joining our family. 

But those people who literally aren’t even trying and are all “ooooops lol did it once, was on birth control, and now I’m 8 months preggerzzz”? FUCK THEM. And don’t get me started on the assholes who claim to be “so fertile, if he looks at me I am pregnant! Heeheeheee” 

Having a moment

I am so emotional today. The waiting is getting to me. Things beyond my control at work are getting to me. I asked for accommodations and feel a little bit taken advantage of. A couple of things people have said about our fundraiser has rubbed me the wrong way. Telling myself that it was out of ignorance is equally comforting and frustrating. Hopefully tomorrow is better. 

Hoping and Waiting Merry go Round

Another day, another worry. I was notified today that money from our go fund me that I transferred last week “will be available in 2-5 days” from TODAY. I transferred it last week because results from our embryo testing will be held until they receive payment. Thousands of dollars of payment. In addition to the $1,500 we have already paid (separate from the thousands of dollars of meds). Hoping it all works out. Hoping and waiting over and over, this process is exhausting.