About those pregnancy tests

A few words about pregnancy tests

Hi, my name is Gillian and I am addicted to pregnancy tests. It has been approximately 4 hours since I last took one, at any given time. 

This is an area of secrecy that those who don’t have infertility never knew existed and those who DO have infertility can relate to 100%. 

I always have at least 4 brands of pregnancy tests on hand. Usually they are internet cheapies, or dip sticks that are like $10 for 35 on Amazon. I also have a bunch of dollar store tests. At least one digital. And of course, first response early result (FRER) the best at detecting early. 

Here is a typical cycle: spend the second week of every cycle testing with OPKs. After about 5 days past ovulation, I start testing like a crazy person. My bathroom looks like a chemistry lab, with lots of different tests all lined up and marked. 

FRERs are the best at early detection, but they’re also expensive. Usually I use internet dip sticks so I don’t waste any FRERs, but sometimes I can’t control myself (shocking) and I do both. I am guilty of the following:

-“Tweaking” pictures of pregnancy tests in search of the faintest of lines. 

-Posting a pregnancy test pic on a babycenter message board for others to tweak and give their opinions (there are specific post threads just for this).

-Turning photos of pregnancy tests into their negative form to see if there is a trace of a lighter test line. 

-Googling daily “___ dpo, bfn is there still hope?” And “success stories ___ dpo still no positive test”

-Checking countdowntopregnancy.com statistics on specific pregnancy tests, days past ovulation, etc. 

-Comparing recent pregnancy tests to pictures of past tests that were positive (which ended in miscarriage). 

-Waiting hours, taking more pictures of the same test and tweaking those. 

It. Is. Maddening. This happens every cycle. So, the past 48 cycles. That is a lot of tests, and I probably could have funded my IVF with what I have spent on pregnancy tests over the past 4 years. 

In case anyone reading this is wondering, the earliest I have actually gotten a positive is 10 days past ovulation, and it was really light. 

Any sane, wise-minded, stable person would think “once you get a positive test, you can finally relax and stop testing!” FALSE. In fact, testing then takes place every 2 minutes instead of 4. Approximately. In the times I have received a positive test, instant panic sets in. Fear, worry, anxiety, dread. Those of us who have suffered recurrent loss don’t get to experience the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we (I) test over and over and compare lines. Are they darkening? Why is this one lighter? Maybe I drank too much water and it is diluted? Maybe it is time of day. Maybe the dye in the test isn’t as dark. Cue googling “line isn’t getting darker success stories” and images of “pregnancy test progression” to compare. 

Test. Retest. Compare. Tweak. Wonder. Worry. Retest. I can’t wait until this psychotic period in my life is over.