Pregnancy after loss

I’m nearly 14 weeks now and we have seen the little babe multiple times via ultrasound, and heard his heartbeat numerous times. We announced on social media, though “saying it out loud” was scary. I am finding myself feeling like now that I am pregnant, and it is going well, I have no right to continue to grieve and feel loss for my miscarriages. I wish that being successful in this journey meant erasing the awful hell that has led up to this point. I’m not dwelling on it, but the worry, anxiety, and grief does creep in here and there. And now I feel guilty about it, mostly because of those who are still in the midst of their infertility. I need to find a therapist.

Oh, hi there little wiggly baby! I can finally breathe a little, having seen a flickering heartbeat at week 6, 7, and now 9. Everything looks perfect. I’m in love with this little embryo, who will graduate to a fetus next Friday!

We got the beat!

Cautiously happy to report that we DID see the beautiful flickering of a heartbeat at our ultrasound on Wednesday. 134 gorgeous beats per minute. Baby measuring exactly to the day, 6 weeks and 5 days, due date July 10. Next step is another ultrasound next Wednesday! My emotions are all over the place, trying not to set myself up for disappointment while trying to stay positive and excited. I am hopeful. Praying that this embryo, which is now the size of a blueberry, continues to grow next week to be the size of a jelly bean.

Show me that flutter

One more night of complete anxiety. Tomorrow is the day-ultrasound to check for heartbeat. Lucky for me, I suppose, I never really got to that point with any of my losses (though I did lose one past 7 weeks). When I was pregnant with Sailor, I had an early ultrasound due to a prior miscarriage. My ultrasound was at 5 weeks and 4 days, and there wasn’t yet a heartbeat. There was a yolk sac and fetal pole, so they guessed that it was too soon. They were right, thankfully, because when I went again at 6 weeks and 3 days we saw her beautiful fluttering heart. I will be 6 weeks and 5 days tomorrow, so no heartbeat would mean no baby. Tomorrow is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. I was very close with him, and know he is looking down on me. I’m hoping for good news. If we can make it past this milestone, I can breathe a little easier.

Numbers, stats, tests oh my

It has been a week of waiting, wondering, and yes...testing. I tried to wait until 6 days after transfer, which was an unrealistic goal for a psycho like me. I’ve been stuck in my head, trying to stay calm and not give into crippling anxiety. I got my first positive test at 5 days after transfer, but started testing at 3 days after transfer. My blood test was 9 days after transfer, last Friday, and my hcg was good-208. My progesterone was borderline-12, so my doctor doubled my prescription. My TSH is higher than it has ever been, at 3.04, so my doctor doubled my synthroid dose and we will recheck in a couple weeks. Today was my recheck, and I’ve been a nervous wreck. With my 4 losses, I have never gotten a call back on the second check that was positive. I have gotten a few “well the number went up, but not by much. It could go either way”...one of those lasted for weeks with numbers going up, close to doubling, but not quite. Weeks of not knowing...it was traumatic and miserable. They waited to call me until 4 today...I thought it was a bad sign. I was wrong! My hcg is now 1508! It more than doubled. My progesterone also went up to 19. The plan is to recheck in 6 days, and an ultrasound is scheduled for Nov 20, which is significant because it is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. Pretty sure he is pulling some strings in another realm somewhere.

Stuck in between

Please God let this have worked. My anxiety is at 100%...I’m so scared that it failed. Waiting is driving me insane. I am not a fun person to be around right now. I’m so moody and want to just cry, thanks Progesterone. Hoping so much this embryo made itself cozy. 6 days until the blood test. 

United with embryo number one

Today was the perfect day. I woke up to an overwhelming amount of messages of love and support. The sun was shining so bright. I was abled to drive Sailor to school for the first time this year. We made a detour to Starbucks for a special treat, and were a little late to school. We drove to Farmington and listened to music we loved in college. After we arrived, our nurse explained the procedure and instructions. The doctor came in and showed us our embryos, he even gave us a photo to keep! He explained that our embryo has already started “hatching” which is a good sign, and that we have 2 others that are PGS normal and 2 partial mosaic. The nurse came to get me, and I held on to my rose quartz and my note from Sailor. The nurse read it and cried. She asked me what kind of music I wanted to play, and I couldn’t decide-rob asked for smash mouth, I went for classical. She told me that her best friend has my same birthday and her name is hope. The embryologist came in and told me that my embryo thawed “beautifully”.  She also told me that her middle name is Nolan. I got to watch my little shooting star embryo on the screen, and got a picture of the little white dot in my uterus. We went to get fries after because I heard that was good luck. I binged a funny show and took a nap. Pregnancy blood test November 1. Perfect day.  

So close

Ive been quiet. But I am excited and optimistic. Cautiously. I started progesterone Saturday morning. It has made me moody and inpatient (more than usual) and tired. I had a  dull headache, but that has subsided. Transfer is Wednesday at 11. 37 hours away. I’m happy that our embryo will no longer be chillin in the freezer, and will be with us...for whatever period of time they decide to grow and stay. I hope it is forever 

Dom Follie!

In order to move on with the transfer cycle, endometrial lining has to be at least 8 mm, and I need to have a dominant follicle. Sunday, my ultrasound revealed that my lining was 7.5 and my follicles were all under 10 mm. They had me come back today, and luckily my lining is 8.5 mm and I have a cute follicle growing 17.5 mm! Phew! 

So relieved. 

I will now need bloodwork daily to test for the LH surge, and after ovulation, I will start progesterone. After 4 days on progesterone, transfer day. Should be some time next week. 

Poor unfortunate souls

Day 10 monitoring. 

Moving along in our first transfer cycle. Sitting in a waiting room with about 15 other woman who share to some degree this soul-crushing disease. I’m reminded of the scene in the little mermaid where Ursula’s cursed merfolk sadly float around. The room is filled with loss, defeat and hope. 

I’m feeling anxious. Today, I’m here for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Making sure everything looks good for an embryo transfer in about a week and a half. 

The next few weeks are going to be difficult, as I’m not a patient person. I plan to practice meditating, and to use allll of the essential oils and try to keep myself busy and distracted. 

I’m trying to stay positive and not dread every single step of this. I know I need to focus on being present in this process, looking ahead causes massive anxiety. 

Sharing is (s)car(y)ing

Last night Sailor told me the that a boy in her class “asks about the baby every day at the end of school.” I asked her what she says, and she answered “I tell him 75%! That is the percent that it will work, right?” 

It is such a strange thing to think about a 6 year old having this ongoing conversation with her classmate about IVF. The percentage of it working for me, with a normal PGS tested embryo is actually closer to 60%. It got me thinking of how much it will affect her if it doesn’t work. She is very aware. I will have to try to be careful and strong with my own disappointment and heartache if it doesn’t work. Transfer is around 2 weeks away. We will know if it worked about 10 or so days after. I have been so open about it, sharing the journey and many thoughts and experiences with whoever wants to listen or read. The upside is that I am spreading awareness, and sharing what I am going through is slightly therapeutic and allows my friends and family to know what I am going through. The downside is that now, I have committed to sharing whether or not IVF is successful, pretty much in real time. If I am not pregnant,I guess many will share the heartache with me. If I am, many will celebrate. The tricky thing about infertility and recurrent loss is that being pregnant isn’t the end...things are not just magically fixed and ok. Pregnancy means worry and anxiety for someone like me who has lost five babies. This journey doesn’t end until I have a baby safe in my arms. 

Emotional, cycle day thirty-effing-eight

So many triggers the past few days and I have been crying and feeling so helpless and alone. There is SO much waiting in the IVF process, and no one really talks about how long it actually takes. Time has been going by so slowly since we started this. Part of me wishes we just did a fresh transfer...the chances would have been 50/50, since we ended up with 9 embryos and 5 genetically normal (2 partial mosaic, so maybe a little less than 50% chance). I could potentially be 7/8 weeks pregnant by now. It is hard not to think about “what if’s” and every single possible scenario when going through this.

A few people have reached out with such kind thoughtful words today, which has helped. I need to look into acupuncture and therapy. Hoping my FET cycle starts tomorrow!!! 

Come onnnnn FET cycle

So I’m not sure if this rage is from PMS or from “coming down from hormones” from my egg retrieval cycle, but it is in high gear. Doesn’t help when my significant other is defensive and condescending instead of understanding and patient. I’m hoping it is PMS because it feels like I have known about my embryos and have been waiting around forever. There is so much waiting in this process, and I’m far from patient. On top of feeling crazy highs and lows, I have been so disappointed with the lack of any sort of contact from certain people, as previously expressed. Realllly needing to get over this hump so I can focus on the positive.

Why are you annoyed today, Gillian?

It would be nice to have verbal support from more “friends” and “family.” I understand that infertility is a taboo topic, and people don’t necessarily know what to say. But I don’t think it is expecting too much for people I have known and been close friends with for years, some decades, to reach out even ONCE and say “hey I am thinking of you” or “wishing you the best!” Or just something as simple as sending hugs.” It is one thing to pretend you don’t see at least one of my many posts, but you can’t claim innocence when I literally reach out to you and you don’t even respond. People don’t get it, but again, my expectations are not very high. When you are going through the most difficult thing in your life and you are vocal about it, you realize who your true friends are and it is often surprising. That cliche is a reality for me. Certain people have also commented in ways that seem judgy as if they are trying to shame me. Or maybe it just comes off that way through text? Disappointing.

Cycle day 23 and Annoyed

Things were going way too smoothly. Now I am not so sure about a natural cycle transfer...unless it is normal to ovulate on day 23, a week late, the cycle after egg retrieval? I wouldn’t know because they didn’t call me back. This moves things back a bit, since my period won’t come for two weeks after ovulating...this delays things a full week. Maybe more if my cycles are messed up? We decided on a natural transfer instead of medicated specifically because my cycles were regular and normal-30 days, ovulate day 14-16. Trying not to stress about this, and wish they called me back. 

what the cycle of a transfer looks like, summarized

Waiting around for cycle day 1. Have never been so looking forward to getting my period! The sooner it comes, the sooner we begin. My doctor recommended a “natural cycle transfer”. He has gotten us this far with success, so I am trusting him. At least I will not have any injections! On day 10, I start daily monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasound). This continues each morning until LH surge is detected. LH surge happens just before ovulation. 2 days after the surge, I start progesterone. 4ish dats after that, we will do the transfer. (We already chose the embryo.) 12 days after transfer, pregnancy test. Fingers crossed that we are successful with our first transfer!!

Balanced scale

Having a moment. I’m honestly surprised at a few people who have been completely silent since we have shared some of what we have gone through in the past 4 years. It doesn’t take much to comment or text and say “hey, that sucks. I’m here for you.” Or “sending good vibes” or even “♥️”. I’m an empath 100%, which is likely why it bothers me. I guess through tragedy and tough times, people show their true colors. Some who you think will be there aren’t, and others who you didn’t even realize cared shine through. Good thing there is a balance, or I’d be super bummed out. 

Drumroll, please

Three! Three three threeee embryos with normal healthy chromosomes!! And two more with low-level mosaic! The amount of relief I feel is abundant. Cautiously optimistic...one step closer. 

I want all three of them. But we will transfer one, in about a month from now, after some monitoring. 

Waiting and waiting some more

The first part of IVF flies by, because you’re actively taking shots, being monitored with bloodwork and ultrasounds and talking to doctors. When you do PGS testing, it feels like an actual lifetime of waiting. They call you the day after egg retrieval, then again on day 5/6, and then it is 2 weeks before you hear from them again. Two long, silent weeks spent living in your head wondering what’s happening with your potential future child. The lab charged my credit card today, which means results were likely sent to my doctor. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Is it bedtime yet?

So so so tired from checking my phone 148264927492105757274 times today in hopes that I would have a message from the embryo testing lab. Fingers crossed it comes tomorrow, or I will be a crazy lady all weekend. 😩