Sharing is (s)car(y)ing

Last night Sailor told me the that a boy in her class “asks about the baby every day at the end of school.” I asked her what she says, and she answered “I tell him 75%! That is the percent that it will work, right?” 

It is such a strange thing to think about a 6 year old having this ongoing conversation with her classmate about IVF. The percentage of it working for me, with a normal PGS tested embryo is actually closer to 60%. It got me thinking of how much it will affect her if it doesn’t work. She is very aware. I will have to try to be careful and strong with my own disappointment and heartache if it doesn’t work. Transfer is around 2 weeks away. We will know if it worked about 10 or so days after. I have been so open about it, sharing the journey and many thoughts and experiences with whoever wants to listen or read. The upside is that I am spreading awareness, and sharing what I am going through is slightly therapeutic and allows my friends and family to know what I am going through. The downside is that now, I have committed to sharing whether or not IVF is successful, pretty much in real time. If I am not pregnant,I guess many will share the heartache with me. If I am, many will celebrate. The tricky thing about infertility and recurrent loss is that being pregnant isn’t the end...things are not just magically fixed and ok. Pregnancy means worry and anxiety for someone like me who has lost five babies. This journey doesn’t end until I have a baby safe in my arms.