My firstborn, second child. (Unique struggles of secondary infertility)

“You should feel lucky, at least you have a child.” 

The sting of that statement that has been said to me, and to many women like me, multiple times aches. Its intent is to invalidate my pain and struggle. As if there is some sort of infertility hierarchy, and women with secondary infertility don’t deserve to feel as bad as those with infertility. Of course I love my daughter with all of my heart, and feel the luckiest to have her. Here is what I DON’T feel lucky about. 

Before Sailor, I had a miscarriage. It was a complete surprise, and I was very naive to how common miscarriages were. That wasn’t lucky. 

After Sailor, I have suffered through four more miscarriages. That makes five babies that I have lost; so yes, I have one living child but five are no longer in this realm. This was not lucky. 

Because I have a small child, I had to be strong for her and try to pretend everything was ok. We even went to an amusement/water park hotel the same afternoon of a miscarriage that happened that morning. I had to protect her from my pain. Sometimes I wasn’t very good at it, and she sensed things...I know because she was extra snuggly, extra needy, and frequently cried for no reason during those times. This was NOT lucky. 

Us women in the secondary infertility club get to also experience intense guilt, in addition to the depression, anxiety, sometimes loss and grief, etc. My guilt stems from two areas specifically: 

Sailor asks me daily for a baby brother. She has for years now, and she doesn’t understand why we don’t have one yet. She knows we want one too. We told her babies are made from love, so after a while she told me to kiss Rob before bed and in the morning so that her brother would come. Eventually, I realized that she thought rob and I didn’t love each other enough, and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. We had to explain that it is a little more scientific. She has also talked to him in heaven, trying to summons him down. She makes the baby things. She told me that maybe I should say out loud that I will love her and the baby the same, because maybe he is sad that I love her most and that’s why he isn’t coming to join us. The things she says and does happen weekly, sometimes daily. 

My other source of guilt is the time and energy I have devoted to infertility, since it has been 4 years of this. Since Sailor was 2...I feel like a lot of the past couple years are a blur. I have missed out on being 100% me for her, and it kills me because she deserves 100%. All of the times I couldn’t pull myself out of it and put on a happy face are piled up in my mind. It’s very hard for me to dig myself out of that and to focus on the positives. 

I don’t have answers. Tests have all been normal, my cycles are normal. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I don’t feel lucky about that, it has been fucking awful. 

I just want my family to be complete. Secondary infertility SUCKS. 

Octoblast!

Winter storm in the fall? NOPE! The embryologist left me a fabulous, surprising message today that 8 out of 9 fertilized embryos developed nicely into day 5 blastocysts! I was hoping for at least 3, and was expecting maybe 2...finally some good news in this roller coaster journey! I am picturing little frozen embryos having a snowball fight, hangin in the cooler, wearing mittens and scarves. Such a ridiculous image. 5-10 cells were removed from each and sent to a lab to be tested, (costing us $$$ !) Results will come in 7-10 days. I made sure there were no hold-ups...they have our consent forms on file, as well as our credit card (they otherwise hold the results). So somewhere between Thursday September 6-September 9. Fingers crossed for a few normal embryos!

Embryo testing needs to be pre-paid

So here is my link, if anyone feels like they want to help us. We love and appreciate it, and just as much appreciate love and positive vibes ♥️♥️ https://www.gofundme.com/f/ifv-shepherd-baby-number-2?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

If you wait, I will wait

No new news. Just have to wait wait wait until possibly Friday, I guess? Maybe after the weekend? I was under the impression that most clinics called with day 5 results, which would be Wednesday. Tomorrow. My paperwork says Friday. The nurse said that because of the holiday weekend, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen until TUESDAY, which makes no sense because the embryos would

be 11 days at that point and they have to be frozen by day 7 latest, I believe. 

I’m stuck somewhere between staying positive/happy/successful with this retrieval and not allowing myself to get my hopes up/panicked/worries we will end up with 0 normal embryos. 

Waiting is always the worst part, I just want to know one way or the other. It is such a mentally draining part of this entire journey, alllll of the waiting. The waiting to ovulate, waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting to see if the pregnancy is viable. Waiting for test results. Waiting for appointments. 

Come on, embies!

Trying not to stress and obsess about numbers. I’m well aware that there is a drop off at each stage. 16 eggs, 13 were mature, and 9 fertilized. She did say they were watching a few more that could potentially fertilize. If 30% make it to day 5, that is only 3. Likely only one out of the 3 would be PGS normal, and that is if we are lucky. I don’t want to have to go through another retrieval again 😭 

Trying to stay distracted and positive but I’m still tired and extremely bloated. 

Thankful that the timing worked out for retrieval cycle to take place during summer break from work. Not sure how I will swing it if we need another retrieval, with morning monitoring 8 times in 2 weeks. 

All of my eggs in a basket. (Petri dish).

Egg retrieval day was today! It was successful, with 16 eggs collected this morning. At some point today, an embryologist injected all of the mature ones with sperm and tomorrow they will call us with how many fertilized. 

The procedure was pretty straight forward and quick. Hopefully one is all we will need for a successful pregnancy! 

Here is a quick rundown of an egg retrieval cycle, with non medical terms, for those who don’t know what it entails:

The day your period starts is cycle day 1. On the morning of cycle day 2, you go for an ultrasound and bloodwork. This is called “baseline.” That night, you start two  injections of meds that pretty much make help your body grow eggs all at the same time. Bloodwork again on day 4. The next morning, another injection is added to the mix to prevent your body from ovulating all of the eggs. Day 6, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Continue 3 injections daily. Day 8, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Same on day 9, and again on day 10. Day 10, since my estrogen was high they switched my trigger shot, which matures the eggs and allows them to be ready. It must be taken 35 hours before retrieval. Day 11, bloodwork only. Day 12 retrieval. 

Here is a quick rundown of retrieval:

It is a surgical procedure, no eating or drinking from midnight prior until after retrieval. Vital signs are taken, paperwork signed, and anesthesiologist inserts an IV. You walk into the OR, they inject meds that burn and knock you out. An ultrasound is performed so they can see what they’re doing. The doctor inserts a thin needle that has a “vacuum tube” at the end through your vaginal wall on each side to suck out all of the follicular fluid from your follicles. There is no other easy way to get to the follicles, because of the shape. The fluid is put into a dish and handed off to an embryologist, who searches for eggs and calls out the numbers they find. Then they wheel you out and you wake up, feeling pretty good!

(Until you start having hot flashes and vomit into your daughters sand bucket on the way home). 

Now I just feel very tired, bloated, and slightly crampy and nauseous. Not too bad though, I was fearing much worse. Praying tomorrow goes well!

Triggered pre-trigger shot

Yesterday morning’s ultrasound was long and uncomfortable, but revealed that both ovaries are responding well to the meds. They suspected tonight will be trigger shot and Thursday retrieval day. 

They suspected wrong. After this morning’s ultrasound, which seemed super annoying and inconvenient for the ultrasound tech, and blood work, where the phlebotomist told me my veins suck, they called this afternoon with results that halted that plan. 

My estrogen is too high to use the prescribed HcG trigger shot, which would have to be taken 36 hours prior to egg retrieval. The pharmacy has to overnight Lupron, which I read has REAL FUN side effects. I’m at risk for OHSS, so instead of triggering tonight and chilling tomorrow and retrieval day Thursday, NOW the plan is ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning in Branford (would rather drive the extra 20 minutes, the tech there is extremely pleasant), trigger tomorrow night with Lupron, chill Thursday, retrieval Friday. 

It was all going so smoothly, and this journey has been chock-full of bumps.