Stuck in between

Please God let this have worked. My anxiety is at 100%...I’m so scared that it failed. Waiting is driving me insane. I am not a fun person to be around right now. I’m so moody and want to just cry, thanks Progesterone. Hoping so much this embryo made itself cozy. 6 days until the blood test. 

United with embryo number one

Today was the perfect day. I woke up to an overwhelming amount of messages of love and support. The sun was shining so bright. I was abled to drive Sailor to school for the first time this year. We made a detour to Starbucks for a special treat, and were a little late to school. We drove to Farmington and listened to music we loved in college. After we arrived, our nurse explained the procedure and instructions. The doctor came in and showed us our embryos, he even gave us a photo to keep! He explained that our embryo has already started “hatching” which is a good sign, and that we have 2 others that are PGS normal and 2 partial mosaic. The nurse came to get me, and I held on to my rose quartz and my note from Sailor. The nurse read it and cried. She asked me what kind of music I wanted to play, and I couldn’t decide-rob asked for smash mouth, I went for classical. She told me that her best friend has my same birthday and her name is hope. The embryologist came in and told me that my embryo thawed “beautifully”.  She also told me that her middle name is Nolan. I got to watch my little shooting star embryo on the screen, and got a picture of the little white dot in my uterus. We went to get fries after because I heard that was good luck. I binged a funny show and took a nap. Pregnancy blood test November 1. Perfect day.  

So close

Ive been quiet. But I am excited and optimistic. Cautiously. I started progesterone Saturday morning. It has made me moody and inpatient (more than usual) and tired. I had a  dull headache, but that has subsided. Transfer is Wednesday at 11. 37 hours away. I’m happy that our embryo will no longer be chillin in the freezer, and will be with us...for whatever period of time they decide to grow and stay. I hope it is forever 

Dom Follie!

In order to move on with the transfer cycle, endometrial lining has to be at least 8 mm, and I need to have a dominant follicle. Sunday, my ultrasound revealed that my lining was 7.5 and my follicles were all under 10 mm. They had me come back today, and luckily my lining is 8.5 mm and I have a cute follicle growing 17.5 mm! Phew! 

So relieved. 

I will now need bloodwork daily to test for the LH surge, and after ovulation, I will start progesterone. After 4 days on progesterone, transfer day. Should be some time next week. 

Poor unfortunate souls

Day 10 monitoring. 

Moving along in our first transfer cycle. Sitting in a waiting room with about 15 other woman who share to some degree this soul-crushing disease. I’m reminded of the scene in the little mermaid where Ursula’s cursed merfolk sadly float around. The room is filled with loss, defeat and hope. 

I’m feeling anxious. Today, I’m here for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Making sure everything looks good for an embryo transfer in about a week and a half. 

The next few weeks are going to be difficult, as I’m not a patient person. I plan to practice meditating, and to use allll of the essential oils and try to keep myself busy and distracted. 

I’m trying to stay positive and not dread every single step of this. I know I need to focus on being present in this process, looking ahead causes massive anxiety. 

Sharing is (s)car(y)ing

Last night Sailor told me the that a boy in her class “asks about the baby every day at the end of school.” I asked her what she says, and she answered “I tell him 75%! That is the percent that it will work, right?” 

It is such a strange thing to think about a 6 year old having this ongoing conversation with her classmate about IVF. The percentage of it working for me, with a normal PGS tested embryo is actually closer to 60%. It got me thinking of how much it will affect her if it doesn’t work. She is very aware. I will have to try to be careful and strong with my own disappointment and heartache if it doesn’t work. Transfer is around 2 weeks away. We will know if it worked about 10 or so days after. I have been so open about it, sharing the journey and many thoughts and experiences with whoever wants to listen or read. The upside is that I am spreading awareness, and sharing what I am going through is slightly therapeutic and allows my friends and family to know what I am going through. The downside is that now, I have committed to sharing whether or not IVF is successful, pretty much in real time. If I am not pregnant,I guess many will share the heartache with me. If I am, many will celebrate. The tricky thing about infertility and recurrent loss is that being pregnant isn’t the end...things are not just magically fixed and ok. Pregnancy means worry and anxiety for someone like me who has lost five babies. This journey doesn’t end until I have a baby safe in my arms. 

Emotional, cycle day thirty-effing-eight

So many triggers the past few days and I have been crying and feeling so helpless and alone. There is SO much waiting in the IVF process, and no one really talks about how long it actually takes. Time has been going by so slowly since we started this. Part of me wishes we just did a fresh transfer...the chances would have been 50/50, since we ended up with 9 embryos and 5 genetically normal (2 partial mosaic, so maybe a little less than 50% chance). I could potentially be 7/8 weeks pregnant by now. It is hard not to think about “what if’s” and every single possible scenario when going through this.

A few people have reached out with such kind thoughtful words today, which has helped. I need to look into acupuncture and therapy. Hoping my FET cycle starts tomorrow!!!