Oh, hi there little wiggly baby! I can finally breathe a little, having seen a flickering heartbeat at week 6, 7, and now 9. Everything looks perfect. I’m in love with this little embryo, who will graduate to a fetus next Friday!

We got the beat!

Cautiously happy to report that we DID see the beautiful flickering of a heartbeat at our ultrasound on Wednesday. 134 gorgeous beats per minute. Baby measuring exactly to the day, 6 weeks and 5 days, due date July 10. Next step is another ultrasound next Wednesday! My emotions are all over the place, trying not to set myself up for disappointment while trying to stay positive and excited. I am hopeful. Praying that this embryo, which is now the size of a blueberry, continues to grow next week to be the size of a jelly bean.

Show me that flutter

One more night of complete anxiety. Tomorrow is the day-ultrasound to check for heartbeat. Lucky for me, I suppose, I never really got to that point with any of my losses (though I did lose one past 7 weeks). When I was pregnant with Sailor, I had an early ultrasound due to a prior miscarriage. My ultrasound was at 5 weeks and 4 days, and there wasn’t yet a heartbeat. There was a yolk sac and fetal pole, so they guessed that it was too soon. They were right, thankfully, because when I went again at 6 weeks and 3 days we saw her beautiful fluttering heart. I will be 6 weeks and 5 days tomorrow, so no heartbeat would mean no baby. Tomorrow is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. I was very close with him, and know he is looking down on me. I’m hoping for good news. If we can make it past this milestone, I can breathe a little easier.

Numbers, stats, tests oh my

It has been a week of waiting, wondering, and yes...testing. I tried to wait until 6 days after transfer, which was an unrealistic goal for a psycho like me. I’ve been stuck in my head, trying to stay calm and not give into crippling anxiety. I got my first positive test at 5 days after transfer, but started testing at 3 days after transfer. My blood test was 9 days after transfer, last Friday, and my hcg was good-208. My progesterone was borderline-12, so my doctor doubled my prescription. My TSH is higher than it has ever been, at 3.04, so my doctor doubled my synthroid dose and we will recheck in a couple weeks. Today was my recheck, and I’ve been a nervous wreck. With my 4 losses, I have never gotten a call back on the second check that was positive. I have gotten a few “well the number went up, but not by much. It could go either way”...one of those lasted for weeks with numbers going up, close to doubling, but not quite. Weeks of not knowing...it was traumatic and miserable. They waited to call me until 4 today...I thought it was a bad sign. I was wrong! My hcg is now 1508! It more than doubled. My progesterone also went up to 19. The plan is to recheck in 6 days, and an ultrasound is scheduled for Nov 20, which is significant because it is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. Pretty sure he is pulling some strings in another realm somewhere.

Stuck in between

Please God let this have worked. My anxiety is at 100%...I’m so scared that it failed. Waiting is driving me insane. I am not a fun person to be around right now. I’m so moody and want to just cry, thanks Progesterone. Hoping so much this embryo made itself cozy. 6 days until the blood test. 

United with embryo number one

Today was the perfect day. I woke up to an overwhelming amount of messages of love and support. The sun was shining so bright. I was abled to drive Sailor to school for the first time this year. We made a detour to Starbucks for a special treat, and were a little late to school. We drove to Farmington and listened to music we loved in college. After we arrived, our nurse explained the procedure and instructions. The doctor came in and showed us our embryos, he even gave us a photo to keep! He explained that our embryo has already started “hatching” which is a good sign, and that we have 2 others that are PGS normal and 2 partial mosaic. The nurse came to get me, and I held on to my rose quartz and my note from Sailor. The nurse read it and cried. She asked me what kind of music I wanted to play, and I couldn’t decide-rob asked for smash mouth, I went for classical. She told me that her best friend has my same birthday and her name is hope. The embryologist came in and told me that my embryo thawed “beautifully”.  She also told me that her middle name is Nolan. I got to watch my little shooting star embryo on the screen, and got a picture of the little white dot in my uterus. We went to get fries after because I heard that was good luck. I binged a funny show and took a nap. Pregnancy blood test November 1. Perfect day.  

So close

Ive been quiet. But I am excited and optimistic. Cautiously. I started progesterone Saturday morning. It has made me moody and inpatient (more than usual) and tired. I had a  dull headache, but that has subsided. Transfer is Wednesday at 11. 37 hours away. I’m happy that our embryo will no longer be chillin in the freezer, and will be with us...for whatever period of time they decide to grow and stay. I hope it is forever 

Dom Follie!

In order to move on with the transfer cycle, endometrial lining has to be at least 8 mm, and I need to have a dominant follicle. Sunday, my ultrasound revealed that my lining was 7.5 and my follicles were all under 10 mm. They had me come back today, and luckily my lining is 8.5 mm and I have a cute follicle growing 17.5 mm! Phew! 

So relieved. 

I will now need bloodwork daily to test for the LH surge, and after ovulation, I will start progesterone. After 4 days on progesterone, transfer day. Should be some time next week. 

Poor unfortunate souls

Day 10 monitoring. 

Moving along in our first transfer cycle. Sitting in a waiting room with about 15 other woman who share to some degree this soul-crushing disease. I’m reminded of the scene in the little mermaid where Ursula’s cursed merfolk sadly float around. The room is filled with loss, defeat and hope. 

I’m feeling anxious. Today, I’m here for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Making sure everything looks good for an embryo transfer in about a week and a half. 

The next few weeks are going to be difficult, as I’m not a patient person. I plan to practice meditating, and to use allll of the essential oils and try to keep myself busy and distracted. 

I’m trying to stay positive and not dread every single step of this. I know I need to focus on being present in this process, looking ahead causes massive anxiety. 

Sharing is (s)car(y)ing

Last night Sailor told me the that a boy in her class “asks about the baby every day at the end of school.” I asked her what she says, and she answered “I tell him 75%! That is the percent that it will work, right?” 

It is such a strange thing to think about a 6 year old having this ongoing conversation with her classmate about IVF. The percentage of it working for me, with a normal PGS tested embryo is actually closer to 60%. It got me thinking of how much it will affect her if it doesn’t work. She is very aware. I will have to try to be careful and strong with my own disappointment and heartache if it doesn’t work. Transfer is around 2 weeks away. We will know if it worked about 10 or so days after. I have been so open about it, sharing the journey and many thoughts and experiences with whoever wants to listen or read. The upside is that I am spreading awareness, and sharing what I am going through is slightly therapeutic and allows my friends and family to know what I am going through. The downside is that now, I have committed to sharing whether or not IVF is successful, pretty much in real time. If I am not pregnant,I guess many will share the heartache with me. If I am, many will celebrate. The tricky thing about infertility and recurrent loss is that being pregnant isn’t the end...things are not just magically fixed and ok. Pregnancy means worry and anxiety for someone like me who has lost five babies. This journey doesn’t end until I have a baby safe in my arms. 

Emotional, cycle day thirty-effing-eight

So many triggers the past few days and I have been crying and feeling so helpless and alone. There is SO much waiting in the IVF process, and no one really talks about how long it actually takes. Time has been going by so slowly since we started this. Part of me wishes we just did a fresh transfer...the chances would have been 50/50, since we ended up with 9 embryos and 5 genetically normal (2 partial mosaic, so maybe a little less than 50% chance). I could potentially be 7/8 weeks pregnant by now. It is hard not to think about “what if’s” and every single possible scenario when going through this.

A few people have reached out with such kind thoughtful words today, which has helped. I need to look into acupuncture and therapy. Hoping my FET cycle starts tomorrow!!! 

Come onnnnn FET cycle

So I’m not sure if this rage is from PMS or from “coming down from hormones” from my egg retrieval cycle, but it is in high gear. Doesn’t help when my significant other is defensive and condescending instead of understanding and patient. I’m hoping it is PMS because it feels like I have known about my embryos and have been waiting around forever. There is so much waiting in this process, and I’m far from patient. On top of feeling crazy highs and lows, I have been so disappointed with the lack of any sort of contact from certain people, as previously expressed. Realllly needing to get over this hump so I can focus on the positive.

Why are you annoyed today, Gillian?

It would be nice to have verbal support from more “friends” and “family.” I understand that infertility is a taboo topic, and people don’t necessarily know what to say. But I don’t think it is expecting too much for people I have known and been close friends with for years, some decades, to reach out even ONCE and say “hey I am thinking of you” or “wishing you the best!” Or just something as simple as sending hugs.” It is one thing to pretend you don’t see at least one of my many posts, but you can’t claim innocence when I literally reach out to you and you don’t even respond. People don’t get it, but again, my expectations are not very high. When you are going through the most difficult thing in your life and you are vocal about it, you realize who your true friends are and it is often surprising. That cliche is a reality for me. Certain people have also commented in ways that seem judgy as if they are trying to shame me. Or maybe it just comes off that way through text? Disappointing.

Cycle day 23 and Annoyed

Things were going way too smoothly. Now I am not so sure about a natural cycle transfer...unless it is normal to ovulate on day 23, a week late, the cycle after egg retrieval? I wouldn’t know because they didn’t call me back. This moves things back a bit, since my period won’t come for two weeks after ovulating...this delays things a full week. Maybe more if my cycles are messed up? We decided on a natural transfer instead of medicated specifically because my cycles were regular and normal-30 days, ovulate day 14-16. Trying not to stress about this, and wish they called me back. 

what the cycle of a transfer looks like, summarized

Waiting around for cycle day 1. Have never been so looking forward to getting my period! The sooner it comes, the sooner we begin. My doctor recommended a “natural cycle transfer”. He has gotten us this far with success, so I am trusting him. At least I will not have any injections! On day 10, I start daily monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasound). This continues each morning until LH surge is detected. LH surge happens just before ovulation. 2 days after the surge, I start progesterone. 4ish dats after that, we will do the transfer. (We already chose the embryo.) 12 days after transfer, pregnancy test. Fingers crossed that we are successful with our first transfer!!

Balanced scale

Having a moment. I’m honestly surprised at a few people who have been completely silent since we have shared some of what we have gone through in the past 4 years. It doesn’t take much to comment or text and say “hey, that sucks. I’m here for you.” Or “sending good vibes” or even “♥️”. I’m an empath 100%, which is likely why it bothers me. I guess through tragedy and tough times, people show their true colors. Some who you think will be there aren’t, and others who you didn’t even realize cared shine through. Good thing there is a balance, or I’d be super bummed out. 

Drumroll, please

Three! Three three threeee embryos with normal healthy chromosomes!! And two more with low-level mosaic! The amount of relief I feel is abundant. Cautiously optimistic...one step closer. 

I want all three of them. But we will transfer one, in about a month from now, after some monitoring. 

Waiting and waiting some more

The first part of IVF flies by, because you’re actively taking shots, being monitored with bloodwork and ultrasounds and talking to doctors. When you do PGS testing, it feels like an actual lifetime of waiting. They call you the day after egg retrieval, then again on day 5/6, and then it is 2 weeks before you hear from them again. Two long, silent weeks spent living in your head wondering what’s happening with your potential future child. The lab charged my credit card today, which means results were likely sent to my doctor. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Is it bedtime yet?

So so so tired from checking my phone 148264927492105757274 times today in hopes that I would have a message from the embryo testing lab. Fingers crossed it comes tomorrow, or I will be a crazy lady all weekend. 😩

Everyone is pregnant when you are not pregnant

I hate Tuesday’s. I belong to a group on Facebook, and every Tuesday is “tummy Tuesday”, or a day when mama-to-be’s get to show off their baby bumps. I avoid Facebook every week, as to not subject myself to a sea of pregnant bellies. 

Everyone is pregnant when you are going through infertility. Literally everywhere you look, multiple people are pregnant. It is as if a fucked up brain pregnancy scanner switch turns on...it’s wild. Women shopping, crossing the street, cashiers, colleagues, my fertility nurse (yes, really), people in waiting rooms, actresses, characters on tv, cousins, friends, enemies, frenemies, sisters, drug dealers, hobos, murderers, grandmas, Every. One. 

Even men start to look pregnant. It is hard to not become ragey...and it makes me feel awful. Sometimes. The exceptions are when 1 someone has approximately 14 kids and is pregnant again, 2 someone is a drug addict loser who has given her existing children to family members, 3 someone who complains about a positive test, 4 someone who “omg! Wasn’t even trying...was on birth control! Total miracle”, clueless people who tried for one month. 

It’s so hard to remain positive and happy for people, but it is important to keep reminding myself that everyone has a story and journey that I know nothing about. They had their own path, and even though it is hard as hell not to compare, it’s vital to my mental health. “Why me?” And “it’s not fair” thinking is not helpful. 

It is ok to be happy for someone else and sad for yourself. It took me a while to figure that out...I felt like a horrible person, and there was so much guilt. Particularly when my sister told me she was pregnant, and due a few days after my first miscarriage. I was shocked, I didn’t know she was trying (not my business, but I just wasn’t expecting it). I cried. A lot...hysterically. I felt so bad, but couldn’t control it. She felt so bad...and it hurts me to my core to think that my experience ruined her happy news. She couldn’t fully be openly happy and excited. THAT wasn’t fair. It was difficult for me, and likely for her, to navigate that delicate balance of communication and feelings. I love my nephew so much, and once I got past those initial emotions I honestly felt nothing but happy about a new baby joining our family. 

But those people who literally aren’t even trying and are all “ooooops lol did it once, was on birth control, and now I’m 8 months preggerzzz”? FUCK THEM. And don’t get me started on the assholes who claim to be “so fertile, if he looks at me I am pregnant! Heeheeheee” 

Having a moment

I am so emotional today. The waiting is getting to me. Things beyond my control at work are getting to me. I asked for accommodations and feel a little bit taken advantage of. A couple of things people have said about our fundraiser has rubbed me the wrong way. Telling myself that it was out of ignorance is equally comforting and frustrating. Hopefully tomorrow is better. 

Hoping and Waiting Merry go Round

Another day, another worry. I was notified today that money from our go fund me that I transferred last week “will be available in 2-5 days” from TODAY. I transferred it last week because results from our embryo testing will be held until they receive payment. Thousands of dollars of payment. In addition to the $1,500 we have already paid (separate from the thousands of dollars of meds). Hoping it all works out. Hoping and waiting over and over, this process is exhausting. 

My firstborn, second child. (Unique struggles of secondary infertility)

“You should feel lucky, at least you have a child.” 

The sting of that statement that has been said to me, and to many women like me, multiple times aches. Its intent is to invalidate my pain and struggle. As if there is some sort of infertility hierarchy, and women with secondary infertility don’t deserve to feel as bad as those with infertility. Of course I love my daughter with all of my heart, and feel the luckiest to have her. Here is what I DON’T feel lucky about. 

Before Sailor, I had a miscarriage. It was a complete surprise, and I was very naive to how common miscarriages were. That wasn’t lucky. 

After Sailor, I have suffered through four more miscarriages. That makes five babies that I have lost; so yes, I have one living child but five are no longer in this realm. This was not lucky. 

Because I have a small child, I had to be strong for her and try to pretend everything was ok. We even went to an amusement/water park hotel the same afternoon of a miscarriage that happened that morning. I had to protect her from my pain. Sometimes I wasn’t very good at it, and she sensed things...I know because she was extra snuggly, extra needy, and frequently cried for no reason during those times. This was NOT lucky. 

Us women in the secondary infertility club get to also experience intense guilt, in addition to the depression, anxiety, sometimes loss and grief, etc. My guilt stems from two areas specifically: 

Sailor asks me daily for a baby brother. She has for years now, and she doesn’t understand why we don’t have one yet. She knows we want one too. We told her babies are made from love, so after a while she told me to kiss Rob before bed and in the morning so that her brother would come. Eventually, I realized that she thought rob and I didn’t love each other enough, and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. We had to explain that it is a little more scientific. She has also talked to him in heaven, trying to summons him down. She makes the baby things. She told me that maybe I should say out loud that I will love her and the baby the same, because maybe he is sad that I love her most and that’s why he isn’t coming to join us. The things she says and does happen weekly, sometimes daily. 

My other source of guilt is the time and energy I have devoted to infertility, since it has been 4 years of this. Since Sailor was 2...I feel like a lot of the past couple years are a blur. I have missed out on being 100% me for her, and it kills me because she deserves 100%. All of the times I couldn’t pull myself out of it and put on a happy face are piled up in my mind. It’s very hard for me to dig myself out of that and to focus on the positives. 

I don’t have answers. Tests have all been normal, my cycles are normal. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I don’t feel lucky about that, it has been fucking awful. 

I just want my family to be complete. Secondary infertility SUCKS. 

Octoblast!

Winter storm in the fall? NOPE! The embryologist left me a fabulous, surprising message today that 8 out of 9 fertilized embryos developed nicely into day 5 blastocysts! I was hoping for at least 3, and was expecting maybe 2...finally some good news in this roller coaster journey! I am picturing little frozen embryos having a snowball fight, hangin in the cooler, wearing mittens and scarves. Such a ridiculous image. 5-10 cells were removed from each and sent to a lab to be tested, (costing us $$$ !) Results will come in 7-10 days. I made sure there were no hold-ups...they have our consent forms on file, as well as our credit card (they otherwise hold the results). So somewhere between Thursday September 6-September 9. Fingers crossed for a few normal embryos!

Embryo testing needs to be pre-paid

So here is my link, if anyone feels like they want to help us. We love and appreciate it, and just as much appreciate love and positive vibes ♥️♥️ https://www.gofundme.com/f/ifv-shepherd-baby-number-2?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

If you wait, I will wait

No new news. Just have to wait wait wait until possibly Friday, I guess? Maybe after the weekend? I was under the impression that most clinics called with day 5 results, which would be Wednesday. Tomorrow. My paperwork says Friday. The nurse said that because of the holiday weekend, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen until TUESDAY, which makes no sense because the embryos would

be 11 days at that point and they have to be frozen by day 7 latest, I believe. 

I’m stuck somewhere between staying positive/happy/successful with this retrieval and not allowing myself to get my hopes up/panicked/worries we will end up with 0 normal embryos. 

Waiting is always the worst part, I just want to know one way or the other. It is such a mentally draining part of this entire journey, alllll of the waiting. The waiting to ovulate, waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting to see if the pregnancy is viable. Waiting for test results. Waiting for appointments. 

Come on, embies!

Trying not to stress and obsess about numbers. I’m well aware that there is a drop off at each stage. 16 eggs, 13 were mature, and 9 fertilized. She did say they were watching a few more that could potentially fertilize. If 30% make it to day 5, that is only 3. Likely only one out of the 3 would be PGS normal, and that is if we are lucky. I don’t want to have to go through another retrieval again 😭 

Trying to stay distracted and positive but I’m still tired and extremely bloated. 

Thankful that the timing worked out for retrieval cycle to take place during summer break from work. Not sure how I will swing it if we need another retrieval, with morning monitoring 8 times in 2 weeks. 

All of my eggs in a basket. (Petri dish).

Egg retrieval day was today! It was successful, with 16 eggs collected this morning. At some point today, an embryologist injected all of the mature ones with sperm and tomorrow they will call us with how many fertilized. 

The procedure was pretty straight forward and quick. Hopefully one is all we will need for a successful pregnancy! 

Here is a quick rundown of an egg retrieval cycle, with non medical terms, for those who don’t know what it entails:

The day your period starts is cycle day 1. On the morning of cycle day 2, you go for an ultrasound and bloodwork. This is called “baseline.” That night, you start two  injections of meds that pretty much make help your body grow eggs all at the same time. Bloodwork again on day 4. The next morning, another injection is added to the mix to prevent your body from ovulating all of the eggs. Day 6, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Continue 3 injections daily. Day 8, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Same on day 9, and again on day 10. Day 10, since my estrogen was high they switched my trigger shot, which matures the eggs and allows them to be ready. It must be taken 35 hours before retrieval. Day 11, bloodwork only. Day 12 retrieval. 

Here is a quick rundown of retrieval:

It is a surgical procedure, no eating or drinking from midnight prior until after retrieval. Vital signs are taken, paperwork signed, and anesthesiologist inserts an IV. You walk into the OR, they inject meds that burn and knock you out. An ultrasound is performed so they can see what they’re doing. The doctor inserts a thin needle that has a “vacuum tube” at the end through your vaginal wall on each side to suck out all of the follicular fluid from your follicles. There is no other easy way to get to the follicles, because of the shape. The fluid is put into a dish and handed off to an embryologist, who searches for eggs and calls out the numbers they find. Then they wheel you out and you wake up, feeling pretty good!

(Until you start having hot flashes and vomit into your daughters sand bucket on the way home). 

Now I just feel very tired, bloated, and slightly crampy and nauseous. Not too bad though, I was fearing much worse. Praying tomorrow goes well!

Triggered pre-trigger shot

Yesterday morning’s ultrasound was long and uncomfortable, but revealed that both ovaries are responding well to the meds. They suspected tonight will be trigger shot and Thursday retrieval day. 

They suspected wrong. After this morning’s ultrasound, which seemed super annoying and inconvenient for the ultrasound tech, and blood work, where the phlebotomist told me my veins suck, they called this afternoon with results that halted that plan. 

My estrogen is too high to use the prescribed HcG trigger shot, which would have to be taken 36 hours prior to egg retrieval. The pharmacy has to overnight Lupron, which I read has REAL FUN side effects. I’m at risk for OHSS, so instead of triggering tonight and chilling tomorrow and retrieval day Thursday, NOW the plan is ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning in Branford (would rather drive the extra 20 minutes, the tech there is extremely pleasant), trigger tomorrow night with Lupron, chill Thursday, retrieval Friday. 

It was all going so smoothly, and this journey has been chock-full of bumps. 

About those pregnancy tests

A few words about pregnancy tests

Hi, my name is Gillian and I am addicted to pregnancy tests. It has been approximately 4 hours since I last took one, at any given time. 

This is an area of secrecy that those who don’t have infertility never knew existed and those who DO have infertility can relate to 100%. 

I always have at least 4 brands of pregnancy tests on hand. Usually they are internet cheapies, or dip sticks that are like $10 for 35 on Amazon. I also have a bunch of dollar store tests. At least one digital. And of course, first response early result (FRER) the best at detecting early. 

Here is a typical cycle: spend the second week of every cycle testing with OPKs. After about 5 days past ovulation, I start testing like a crazy person. My bathroom looks like a chemistry lab, with lots of different tests all lined up and marked. 

FRERs are the best at early detection, but they’re also expensive. Usually I use internet dip sticks so I don’t waste any FRERs, but sometimes I can’t control myself (shocking) and I do both. I am guilty of the following:

-“Tweaking” pictures of pregnancy tests in search of the faintest of lines. 

-Posting a pregnancy test pic on a babycenter message board for others to tweak and give their opinions (there are specific post threads just for this).

-Turning photos of pregnancy tests into their negative form to see if there is a trace of a lighter test line. 

-Googling daily “___ dpo, bfn is there still hope?” And “success stories ___ dpo still no positive test”

-Checking countdowntopregnancy.com statistics on specific pregnancy tests, days past ovulation, etc. 

-Comparing recent pregnancy tests to pictures of past tests that were positive (which ended in miscarriage). 

-Waiting hours, taking more pictures of the same test and tweaking those. 

It. Is. Maddening. This happens every cycle. So, the past 48 cycles. That is a lot of tests, and I probably could have funded my IVF with what I have spent on pregnancy tests over the past 4 years. 

In case anyone reading this is wondering, the earliest I have actually gotten a positive is 10 days past ovulation, and it was really light. 

Any sane, wise-minded, stable person would think “once you get a positive test, you can finally relax and stop testing!” FALSE. In fact, testing then takes place every 2 minutes instead of 4. Approximately. In the times I have received a positive test, instant panic sets in. Fear, worry, anxiety, dread. Those of us who have suffered recurrent loss don’t get to experience the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we (I) test over and over and compare lines. Are they darkening? Why is this one lighter? Maybe I drank too much water and it is diluted? Maybe it is time of day. Maybe the dye in the test isn’t as dark. Cue googling “line isn’t getting darker success stories” and images of “pregnancy test progression” to compare. 

Test. Retest. Compare. Tweak. Wonder. Worry. Retest. I can’t wait until this psychotic period in my life is over. 

A hundred helping hands

Egg retrieval cycle day 8. I am extremely overwhelmed. I started a go fund me, and am completely blown away by the generosity and EXTREME KINDNESS everyone is showing us!! You never know how much people love you until you reach up from below the water and instantly feel a hundred hands. Thank you to everyone who is pulling me out. We are in awe of all of you who are essentially helping us get to our baby. We love all of you. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/ifv-shepherd-baby-number-2&rcid=r01-156618292873-afa5b0a1429044e0&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

Round and round we go / Day 7

Day 7. 8 measurable follicles. From 16” down to 11”. Obviously I googled it. Seems good, the ultrasound dr said it was good for this early. Repeat on Monday. Cycle within a cycle within a cycle and on and on. Bloating and headaches. All worth it. 

Ode to our future child

I was pregnant when I wrote this, but had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be a successful pregnancy. 11/8/18.

I don’t know you, but I love you. You inhabit half of my heart. The other half belongs to your big sister. We are waiting for you. We will wait however long it takes until you are ready to join us. Our reoccurring heartache will only strengthen our pure love for you. We will be so lucky to have you. I can feel you out there...come to us, Ever. Stay with us. 

Day 5 numbers are in!

Egg retrieval cycle day 5. Headache has gotten better. I had Morning bloodwork today. Estrogen is 346, LH is 1.5 and progesterone is .5. I haven’t a clue what any of that means, but I assume it is all ok. Starting Ganirelix tomorrow AM...I think all is on track? I am a pro at the other two injections now, so let’s throw another jab into the mix. I guess I will know more Saturday after ultrasound and bloodwork. I’m exhausted. Sailor has been a hot mess. She asked me about the shots the other night, I factually explained in limited terms. She seemed ok, but is a sensitive chick. 

Day 3, my aching head

Day three. I’ve had a headache since last night around 9...hopefully not a side-effect for the next week. Injections today went much more smoothly, I only needed the instruction vids twice for references on a couple random things, needle size for one and how long to leave the needle in my skin for the other. Luckily, I mixed the menopur correctly last night, confirmed with my nurse today. Rainy day today has me snoozy and blah, but my mom visited and treated me to the best pedicure of my life, with a stone massage and lavender. She’s the best!

Getting stabby with meds

Day two of IVFing. Period cramps all the live-long night. Up at 6:15, off to Mama’s first morning monitoring (tongue twister alert). Wasn’t sure I was going to the right place, was given contradicting info but ended up where I was supposed to be. When I signed in, they casually let me know I had to pay $1500 for the PGS testing fee. Cool cool, petty cash. Wtf!? A little heads up would have been nice. Thankful for credit cards. My ultrasound tech was very nice, and saw 5 cute follies on my left ovary and 7 cute follies on my right. Antral follicle count of 12. Ok. I think? Half of my baby could be maturing inside one of those follicles! Got the green light to get stabby with meds tonight. Follistim pen and menopur. Follistim was easy, but mixing the menopur confused the hell out of me, since they oops! Didn’t tell me how much sodium chloride to mix it with. Got the correct dose of meds though, and now I have a headache the size of Texas. 

Let the IVFing commence!

Day one. It’s cycle day one. Many emotions making their way through, as this is officially our first IVF cycle. I’ve listened to enough podcasts and read enough blogs to know what I should expect...on average, anyway. Trying hard to only look at it as one step closer to our baby, and to not look at it as my body failed and I am a sucky broken zombie bitch. Tomorrow morning I will go for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound, then start on 2 injectable meds-Follistim and Menopur. Ready to jack up those follies!Let’s get crackalackin. 

Anxiety surrounds us

Another day closer. Negative pregnant test, 11 dpo. IVF egg retrieval cycle number 1 will commence within the next few days. I have so many mixed emotions, at completely different ends of the emotional spectrum. Fear, despair, hope, excitement. 

Seeing a positive pregnancy test is a double ended sword for those of us with multiple losses. I am afraid of a positive, because I don’t want to lose another. I’m scared to go through that again. Anxieties surround us like air. 

I’m hopeful for a successful retrieval. We will take it one step at a time. We are freezing and testing our embryos. No matter what, we will be closer to our baby. 

About those acronyms

A guide for those who are lucky enough to not be part of the sadistic infertility club. 

TTC - trying to conceive 

BFP - big fat positive

BFN - big fat negative 

BBT - basil body temperature 

BD - baby dance (sex. It’s sex. S.)

AF - Aunt Flo (have always hated this)

DH - darling husband (hate the “darlings”)

DD - darling daughter

DS - darling son 

SO - significant other

CD - cycle day

DPO - days past ovulation 

OPK - ovulation predictor kit

FRER - first response early result

POAS - pee on a stick

MC - miscarriage

FML - fuck my life

Got it?

Reset Button Needed

I’m in some twisted denial. I know what is going to happen, but I still haven’t accepted it. I STILL think that cycle day 2 will not come again, because I will be pregnant. A medium told me it would happen naturally. Is it naive to think that is part of why I have held off on IVF for so long? 

My period is coming some time this weekend, so naturally I have been testing a couple of times a day. Having major “line eye”...swearing I see a shadow. Comparing it to photos of previous positives, which isn’t very logical since those ended in miscarriage. Looking up statistics of positives on CountdownToPregnancy for the specific test brand on my DPO. (Days past ovulation.) Symptom spotting...cramps? Gagging when I brush my teeth? Oh, my boobs look bigger. My period is coming, and the very next day I will begin my IVF journey, officially, after 48 cycles of TTC hell. 

This was our plan when we met with the RE in January. I have had all testing, blood work, panels...put on synthroid. I have had a saline sonogram and endometrial biopsy. I have filled out all of the paperwork, signed the consents. My husband has had a sperm analysis and froze the sample. I have had a physical. I have watched the videos. I have switched insurances to one that has SOME coverage. I have paid thousands for meds and received them in 2 giant boxes. I have had a practice egg retrieval. Everything is in order, except for my brain...because I still can’t believe this is my reality. 

I grieved hard when the 4 medicated natural cycles failed. It took a few days to pull myself from that dark empty place. 

IVF was something I heard about as a teenager, and thought “wow that’s cool and weird”...then I listened to The Smashing Pumpkins and chatted on aol. It was never something I thought I would need to get to my second baby. I’m healthy, have normal cycles, and was 33 when we started trying again. 

I feel like I need to plug my brain directly into acceptance. Maybe that will come with the first med injection. I wish there was a button on my body that I could press and it would automatically go back to factory presets so that it could properly carry a healthy pregnancy. 

Background info/ Infertility is like a banquet with plates full of mindfucks

...another that I wrote and saved one year ago. “Background info,” if you will.

8/6

The July cycle was a mini cycle. I chalk that up to all of the changes I have made: dairy free gluten free limited soy. Also, acupuncture, Chinese herbs. My cycle was a 23 day stress-filled month. I didn’t get a positive OPK. I thought back to what a medium friend told me a few months ago, to let my womb heal and start anew. I am often looking for signs from nature and the universe. If I see a cardinal within the next two minutes, I will be pregnant. If the butterfly lands next to me, it will mean I am pregnant. I look at dates for meaning. If my due date is my dad’s birthday, good sign! My husband and I’s dating anniversary? Definitely going to happen this month. TTC is maddening. Infertility is toxic. All the signs were wrong, anyway, because my period came 7 days early. At least I didn’t waste many pregnancy tests this cycle! 😔😭 

My current cycle is a biggie. It is officially 3 years of trying at the end of this cycle. (Again with the dates and measurements). I have been extremely emotional, awful mood swings, depressed, weepy, inpatient-not fun to be around. One moment, I throw in the towel and decide I’m not going to worry about it anymore. “Whatever happens will happen.” Seconds later, I am in my makeshift chemistry lab aka my bathroom peeing on 4 different pregnancy tests and studying the shit out of them. I have had zero pregnancy symptoms this cycle. Chin acne showed up on 10 dpo, sure sign I am not pregnant (see previous post). I tested at 7, 8, and 9 dpo (definitely no second lines. Believe me, I inspected them in different lighting and at different angles, tweaked them in photo apps, etc) then stopped. I knew there is no chance. I’ve been temping this month. I know I ovulated on cycle day 16, got a + OPK on day 15 and temp went up after 16. Another thing to google, charting. Comparing charts. Studying and looking for any possible early signs of pregnancy. But just like symptoms, temps fluctuate month to month and there are similarities between pregnant and not pregnant. So essentially, just another total mindfuck added to my plate. Infertility is like a banquet filled with plates of mindfucks. 

Gilly intro

Hi. I actually wrote my first post a year ago. I’m gonna go ahead and copy/paste that.

6/13

“How can I do this for another month?” I ask myself. Again. My period isn’t due for another few days, but I’ve been in this sadistic rodeo for long enough to know that I am out this month. 10 dpo (days past ovulation, for all you rookies), negative tests (yes, plural. A few a day. For 3 days already). The zit on my chin is what confirmed it for me. I always get chacne days before my period. I’ve been pregnant 3 times in the past 7 months-all ended in early miscarriage (5-7 weeks) and each time, my chin was zitless. 

We are now a few months shy of 3 years trying for baby number 2. I am 36, my husband 37. My daughter is 5.5...and every month that passes makes all of us another month older when it eventually happens. That is hard for me to swallow. I wanted and honestly felt like I needed my daughter’s sibling to be close in age. My sisters are both 1.5 years older/younger. My husband’s brother is 2.5 years older. I never expected it to take this long. 

My hormones tested normal a year ago. My husband’s sperm tested normal 6 months ago. I finally had a blood work panel done a couple of weeks ago, and it is also normal. I don’t drink or smoke. I eat mostly healthy and am active. I’m at a healthy weight. But my body fails me cycle after cycle, and robs me of my sanity and oftentimes my happiness. 

Secondary infertility is a real mindfuck. It is a lonely, maddening, devastating thing. “Unexplained secondary infertility” -is it even a real diagnosis? There must be SOMETHING wrong that can be fixed? It is so beyond frustrating and seems lazy. 

 Some may think that because I was blessed with my daughter that it must be easier for me. I am thankful every day for my daughter, and feel like the luckiest to have her. But I also feel like I am failing her month after month, not only because she asks me all the time for a baby brother or sister, but also because of my lack of presence. My mind is often elsewhere. I’m a shell of a person, and not the best mother I can and should be to her. I’m so focused on successfully getting pregnant, and it gets worse each month. I sink into a depression. I don’t have focus for her. I don’t have patience, I’m not as fun as I could be. I’m not as happy. I’m not myself. I’m so lost. This added guilt on top of monthly devastation and depression is a mix of feelings I cannot begin to describe. 

But alas, onto the next cycle. 

...The above was written in 2018. 14 Cycles have passed sense then. You can imagine what a psycho zombie I have become sense.