My firstborn, second child. (Unique struggles of secondary infertility)

“You should feel lucky, at least you have a child.” 

The sting of that statement that has been said to me, and to many women like me, multiple times aches. Its intent is to invalidate my pain and struggle. As if there is some sort of infertility hierarchy, and women with secondary infertility don’t deserve to feel as bad as those with infertility. Of course I love my daughter with all of my heart, and feel the luckiest to have her. Here is what I DON’T feel lucky about. 

Before Sailor, I had a miscarriage. It was a complete surprise, and I was very naive to how common miscarriages were. That wasn’t lucky. 

After Sailor, I have suffered through four more miscarriages. That makes five babies that I have lost; so yes, I have one living child but five are no longer in this realm. This was not lucky. 

Because I have a small child, I had to be strong for her and try to pretend everything was ok. We even went to an amusement/water park hotel the same afternoon of a miscarriage that happened that morning. I had to protect her from my pain. Sometimes I wasn’t very good at it, and she sensed things...I know because she was extra snuggly, extra needy, and frequently cried for no reason during those times. This was NOT lucky. 

Us women in the secondary infertility club get to also experience intense guilt, in addition to the depression, anxiety, sometimes loss and grief, etc. My guilt stems from two areas specifically: 

Sailor asks me daily for a baby brother. She has for years now, and she doesn’t understand why we don’t have one yet. She knows we want one too. We told her babies are made from love, so after a while she told me to kiss Rob before bed and in the morning so that her brother would come. Eventually, I realized that she thought rob and I didn’t love each other enough, and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. We had to explain that it is a little more scientific. She has also talked to him in heaven, trying to summons him down. She makes the baby things. She told me that maybe I should say out loud that I will love her and the baby the same, because maybe he is sad that I love her most and that’s why he isn’t coming to join us. The things she says and does happen weekly, sometimes daily. 

My other source of guilt is the time and energy I have devoted to infertility, since it has been 4 years of this. Since Sailor was 2...I feel like a lot of the past couple years are a blur. I have missed out on being 100% me for her, and it kills me because she deserves 100%. All of the times I couldn’t pull myself out of it and put on a happy face are piled up in my mind. It’s very hard for me to dig myself out of that and to focus on the positives. 

I don’t have answers. Tests have all been normal, my cycles are normal. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I don’t feel lucky about that, it has been fucking awful. 

I just want my family to be complete. Secondary infertility SUCKS. 

Octoblast!

Winter storm in the fall? NOPE! The embryologist left me a fabulous, surprising message today that 8 out of 9 fertilized embryos developed nicely into day 5 blastocysts! I was hoping for at least 3, and was expecting maybe 2...finally some good news in this roller coaster journey! I am picturing little frozen embryos having a snowball fight, hangin in the cooler, wearing mittens and scarves. Such a ridiculous image. 5-10 cells were removed from each and sent to a lab to be tested, (costing us $$$ !) Results will come in 7-10 days. I made sure there were no hold-ups...they have our consent forms on file, as well as our credit card (they otherwise hold the results). So somewhere between Thursday September 6-September 9. Fingers crossed for a few normal embryos!

Embryo testing needs to be pre-paid

So here is my link, if anyone feels like they want to help us. We love and appreciate it, and just as much appreciate love and positive vibes ♥️♥️ https://www.gofundme.com/f/ifv-shepherd-baby-number-2?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

If you wait, I will wait

No new news. Just have to wait wait wait until possibly Friday, I guess? Maybe after the weekend? I was under the impression that most clinics called with day 5 results, which would be Wednesday. Tomorrow. My paperwork says Friday. The nurse said that because of the holiday weekend, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen until TUESDAY, which makes no sense because the embryos would

be 11 days at that point and they have to be frozen by day 7 latest, I believe. 

I’m stuck somewhere between staying positive/happy/successful with this retrieval and not allowing myself to get my hopes up/panicked/worries we will end up with 0 normal embryos. 

Waiting is always the worst part, I just want to know one way or the other. It is such a mentally draining part of this entire journey, alllll of the waiting. The waiting to ovulate, waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting to see if the pregnancy is viable. Waiting for test results. Waiting for appointments. 

Come on, embies!

Trying not to stress and obsess about numbers. I’m well aware that there is a drop off at each stage. 16 eggs, 13 were mature, and 9 fertilized. She did say they were watching a few more that could potentially fertilize. If 30% make it to day 5, that is only 3. Likely only one out of the 3 would be PGS normal, and that is if we are lucky. I don’t want to have to go through another retrieval again 😭 

Trying to stay distracted and positive but I’m still tired and extremely bloated. 

Thankful that the timing worked out for retrieval cycle to take place during summer break from work. Not sure how I will swing it if we need another retrieval, with morning monitoring 8 times in 2 weeks. 

All of my eggs in a basket. (Petri dish).

Egg retrieval day was today! It was successful, with 16 eggs collected this morning. At some point today, an embryologist injected all of the mature ones with sperm and tomorrow they will call us with how many fertilized. 

The procedure was pretty straight forward and quick. Hopefully one is all we will need for a successful pregnancy! 

Here is a quick rundown of an egg retrieval cycle, with non medical terms, for those who don’t know what it entails:

The day your period starts is cycle day 1. On the morning of cycle day 2, you go for an ultrasound and bloodwork. This is called “baseline.” That night, you start two  injections of meds that pretty much make help your body grow eggs all at the same time. Bloodwork again on day 4. The next morning, another injection is added to the mix to prevent your body from ovulating all of the eggs. Day 6, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Continue 3 injections daily. Day 8, another ultrasound and bloodwork. Same on day 9, and again on day 10. Day 10, since my estrogen was high they switched my trigger shot, which matures the eggs and allows them to be ready. It must be taken 35 hours before retrieval. Day 11, bloodwork only. Day 12 retrieval. 

Here is a quick rundown of retrieval:

It is a surgical procedure, no eating or drinking from midnight prior until after retrieval. Vital signs are taken, paperwork signed, and anesthesiologist inserts an IV. You walk into the OR, they inject meds that burn and knock you out. An ultrasound is performed so they can see what they’re doing. The doctor inserts a thin needle that has a “vacuum tube” at the end through your vaginal wall on each side to suck out all of the follicular fluid from your follicles. There is no other easy way to get to the follicles, because of the shape. The fluid is put into a dish and handed off to an embryologist, who searches for eggs and calls out the numbers they find. Then they wheel you out and you wake up, feeling pretty good!

(Until you start having hot flashes and vomit into your daughters sand bucket on the way home). 

Now I just feel very tired, bloated, and slightly crampy and nauseous. Not too bad though, I was fearing much worse. Praying tomorrow goes well!

Triggered pre-trigger shot

Yesterday morning’s ultrasound was long and uncomfortable, but revealed that both ovaries are responding well to the meds. They suspected tonight will be trigger shot and Thursday retrieval day. 

They suspected wrong. After this morning’s ultrasound, which seemed super annoying and inconvenient for the ultrasound tech, and blood work, where the phlebotomist told me my veins suck, they called this afternoon with results that halted that plan. 

My estrogen is too high to use the prescribed HcG trigger shot, which would have to be taken 36 hours prior to egg retrieval. The pharmacy has to overnight Lupron, which I read has REAL FUN side effects. I’m at risk for OHSS, so instead of triggering tonight and chilling tomorrow and retrieval day Thursday, NOW the plan is ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning in Branford (would rather drive the extra 20 minutes, the tech there is extremely pleasant), trigger tomorrow night with Lupron, chill Thursday, retrieval Friday. 

It was all going so smoothly, and this journey has been chock-full of bumps. 

About those pregnancy tests

A few words about pregnancy tests

Hi, my name is Gillian and I am addicted to pregnancy tests. It has been approximately 4 hours since I last took one, at any given time. 

This is an area of secrecy that those who don’t have infertility never knew existed and those who DO have infertility can relate to 100%. 

I always have at least 4 brands of pregnancy tests on hand. Usually they are internet cheapies, or dip sticks that are like $10 for 35 on Amazon. I also have a bunch of dollar store tests. At least one digital. And of course, first response early result (FRER) the best at detecting early. 

Here is a typical cycle: spend the second week of every cycle testing with OPKs. After about 5 days past ovulation, I start testing like a crazy person. My bathroom looks like a chemistry lab, with lots of different tests all lined up and marked. 

FRERs are the best at early detection, but they’re also expensive. Usually I use internet dip sticks so I don’t waste any FRERs, but sometimes I can’t control myself (shocking) and I do both. I am guilty of the following:

-“Tweaking” pictures of pregnancy tests in search of the faintest of lines. 

-Posting a pregnancy test pic on a babycenter message board for others to tweak and give their opinions (there are specific post threads just for this).

-Turning photos of pregnancy tests into their negative form to see if there is a trace of a lighter test line. 

-Googling daily “___ dpo, bfn is there still hope?” And “success stories ___ dpo still no positive test”

-Checking countdowntopregnancy.com statistics on specific pregnancy tests, days past ovulation, etc. 

-Comparing recent pregnancy tests to pictures of past tests that were positive (which ended in miscarriage). 

-Waiting hours, taking more pictures of the same test and tweaking those. 

It. Is. Maddening. This happens every cycle. So, the past 48 cycles. That is a lot of tests, and I probably could have funded my IVF with what I have spent on pregnancy tests over the past 4 years. 

In case anyone reading this is wondering, the earliest I have actually gotten a positive is 10 days past ovulation, and it was really light. 

Any sane, wise-minded, stable person would think “once you get a positive test, you can finally relax and stop testing!” FALSE. In fact, testing then takes place every 2 minutes instead of 4. Approximately. In the times I have received a positive test, instant panic sets in. Fear, worry, anxiety, dread. Those of us who have suffered recurrent loss don’t get to experience the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we (I) test over and over and compare lines. Are they darkening? Why is this one lighter? Maybe I drank too much water and it is diluted? Maybe it is time of day. Maybe the dye in the test isn’t as dark. Cue googling “line isn’t getting darker success stories” and images of “pregnancy test progression” to compare. 

Test. Retest. Compare. Tweak. Wonder. Worry. Retest. I can’t wait until this psychotic period in my life is over. 

A hundred helping hands

Egg retrieval cycle day 8. I am extremely overwhelmed. I started a go fund me, and am completely blown away by the generosity and EXTREME KINDNESS everyone is showing us!! You never know how much people love you until you reach up from below the water and instantly feel a hundred hands. Thank you to everyone who is pulling me out. We are in awe of all of you who are essentially helping us get to our baby. We love all of you. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/ifv-shepherd-baby-number-2&rcid=r01-156618292873-afa5b0a1429044e0&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

Round and round we go / Day 7

Day 7. 8 measurable follicles. From 16” down to 11”. Obviously I googled it. Seems good, the ultrasound dr said it was good for this early. Repeat on Monday. Cycle within a cycle within a cycle and on and on. Bloating and headaches. All worth it. 

Ode to our future child

I was pregnant when I wrote this, but had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be a successful pregnancy. 11/8/18.

I don’t know you, but I love you. You inhabit half of my heart. The other half belongs to your big sister. We are waiting for you. We will wait however long it takes until you are ready to join us. Our reoccurring heartache will only strengthen our pure love for you. We will be so lucky to have you. I can feel you out there...come to us, Ever. Stay with us. 

Day 5 numbers are in!

Egg retrieval cycle day 5. Headache has gotten better. I had Morning bloodwork today. Estrogen is 346, LH is 1.5 and progesterone is .5. I haven’t a clue what any of that means, but I assume it is all ok. Starting Ganirelix tomorrow AM...I think all is on track? I am a pro at the other two injections now, so let’s throw another jab into the mix. I guess I will know more Saturday after ultrasound and bloodwork. I’m exhausted. Sailor has been a hot mess. She asked me about the shots the other night, I factually explained in limited terms. She seemed ok, but is a sensitive chick. 

Day 3, my aching head

Day three. I’ve had a headache since last night around 9...hopefully not a side-effect for the next week. Injections today went much more smoothly, I only needed the instruction vids twice for references on a couple random things, needle size for one and how long to leave the needle in my skin for the other. Luckily, I mixed the menopur correctly last night, confirmed with my nurse today. Rainy day today has me snoozy and blah, but my mom visited and treated me to the best pedicure of my life, with a stone massage and lavender. She’s the best!

Getting stabby with meds

Day two of IVFing. Period cramps all the live-long night. Up at 6:15, off to Mama’s first morning monitoring (tongue twister alert). Wasn’t sure I was going to the right place, was given contradicting info but ended up where I was supposed to be. When I signed in, they casually let me know I had to pay $1500 for the PGS testing fee. Cool cool, petty cash. Wtf!? A little heads up would have been nice. Thankful for credit cards. My ultrasound tech was very nice, and saw 5 cute follies on my left ovary and 7 cute follies on my right. Antral follicle count of 12. Ok. I think? Half of my baby could be maturing inside one of those follicles! Got the green light to get stabby with meds tonight. Follistim pen and menopur. Follistim was easy, but mixing the menopur confused the hell out of me, since they oops! Didn’t tell me how much sodium chloride to mix it with. Got the correct dose of meds though, and now I have a headache the size of Texas. 

Let the IVFing commence!

Day one. It’s cycle day one. Many emotions making their way through, as this is officially our first IVF cycle. I’ve listened to enough podcasts and read enough blogs to know what I should expect...on average, anyway. Trying hard to only look at it as one step closer to our baby, and to not look at it as my body failed and I am a sucky broken zombie bitch. Tomorrow morning I will go for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound, then start on 2 injectable meds-Follistim and Menopur. Ready to jack up those follies!Let’s get crackalackin. 

Anxiety surrounds us

Another day closer. Negative pregnant test, 11 dpo. IVF egg retrieval cycle number 1 will commence within the next few days. I have so many mixed emotions, at completely different ends of the emotional spectrum. Fear, despair, hope, excitement. 

Seeing a positive pregnancy test is a double ended sword for those of us with multiple losses. I am afraid of a positive, because I don’t want to lose another. I’m scared to go through that again. Anxieties surround us like air. 

I’m hopeful for a successful retrieval. We will take it one step at a time. We are freezing and testing our embryos. No matter what, we will be closer to our baby. 

About those acronyms

A guide for those who are lucky enough to not be part of the sadistic infertility club. 

TTC - trying to conceive 

BFP - big fat positive

BFN - big fat negative 

BBT - basil body temperature 

BD - baby dance (sex. It’s sex. S.)

AF - Aunt Flo (have always hated this)

DH - darling husband (hate the “darlings”)

DD - darling daughter

DS - darling son 

SO - significant other

CD - cycle day

DPO - days past ovulation 

OPK - ovulation predictor kit

FRER - first response early result

POAS - pee on a stick

MC - miscarriage

FML - fuck my life

Got it?

Reset Button Needed

I’m in some twisted denial. I know what is going to happen, but I still haven’t accepted it. I STILL think that cycle day 2 will not come again, because I will be pregnant. A medium told me it would happen naturally. Is it naive to think that is part of why I have held off on IVF for so long? 

My period is coming some time this weekend, so naturally I have been testing a couple of times a day. Having major “line eye”...swearing I see a shadow. Comparing it to photos of previous positives, which isn’t very logical since those ended in miscarriage. Looking up statistics of positives on CountdownToPregnancy for the specific test brand on my DPO. (Days past ovulation.) Symptom spotting...cramps? Gagging when I brush my teeth? Oh, my boobs look bigger. My period is coming, and the very next day I will begin my IVF journey, officially, after 48 cycles of TTC hell. 

This was our plan when we met with the RE in January. I have had all testing, blood work, panels...put on synthroid. I have had a saline sonogram and endometrial biopsy. I have filled out all of the paperwork, signed the consents. My husband has had a sperm analysis and froze the sample. I have had a physical. I have watched the videos. I have switched insurances to one that has SOME coverage. I have paid thousands for meds and received them in 2 giant boxes. I have had a practice egg retrieval. Everything is in order, except for my brain...because I still can’t believe this is my reality. 

I grieved hard when the 4 medicated natural cycles failed. It took a few days to pull myself from that dark empty place. 

IVF was something I heard about as a teenager, and thought “wow that’s cool and weird”...then I listened to The Smashing Pumpkins and chatted on aol. It was never something I thought I would need to get to my second baby. I’m healthy, have normal cycles, and was 33 when we started trying again. 

I feel like I need to plug my brain directly into acceptance. Maybe that will come with the first med injection. I wish there was a button on my body that I could press and it would automatically go back to factory presets so that it could properly carry a healthy pregnancy. 

Background info/ Infertility is like a banquet with plates full of mindfucks

...another that I wrote and saved one year ago. “Background info,” if you will.

8/6

The July cycle was a mini cycle. I chalk that up to all of the changes I have made: dairy free gluten free limited soy. Also, acupuncture, Chinese herbs. My cycle was a 23 day stress-filled month. I didn’t get a positive OPK. I thought back to what a medium friend told me a few months ago, to let my womb heal and start anew. I am often looking for signs from nature and the universe. If I see a cardinal within the next two minutes, I will be pregnant. If the butterfly lands next to me, it will mean I am pregnant. I look at dates for meaning. If my due date is my dad’s birthday, good sign! My husband and I’s dating anniversary? Definitely going to happen this month. TTC is maddening. Infertility is toxic. All the signs were wrong, anyway, because my period came 7 days early. At least I didn’t waste many pregnancy tests this cycle! 😔😭 

My current cycle is a biggie. It is officially 3 years of trying at the end of this cycle. (Again with the dates and measurements). I have been extremely emotional, awful mood swings, depressed, weepy, inpatient-not fun to be around. One moment, I throw in the towel and decide I’m not going to worry about it anymore. “Whatever happens will happen.” Seconds later, I am in my makeshift chemistry lab aka my bathroom peeing on 4 different pregnancy tests and studying the shit out of them. I have had zero pregnancy symptoms this cycle. Chin acne showed up on 10 dpo, sure sign I am not pregnant (see previous post). I tested at 7, 8, and 9 dpo (definitely no second lines. Believe me, I inspected them in different lighting and at different angles, tweaked them in photo apps, etc) then stopped. I knew there is no chance. I’ve been temping this month. I know I ovulated on cycle day 16, got a + OPK on day 15 and temp went up after 16. Another thing to google, charting. Comparing charts. Studying and looking for any possible early signs of pregnancy. But just like symptoms, temps fluctuate month to month and there are similarities between pregnant and not pregnant. So essentially, just another total mindfuck added to my plate. Infertility is like a banquet filled with plates of mindfucks. 

Gilly intro

Hi. I actually wrote my first post a year ago. I’m gonna go ahead and copy/paste that.

6/13

“How can I do this for another month?” I ask myself. Again. My period isn’t due for another few days, but I’ve been in this sadistic rodeo for long enough to know that I am out this month. 10 dpo (days past ovulation, for all you rookies), negative tests (yes, plural. A few a day. For 3 days already). The zit on my chin is what confirmed it for me. I always get chacne days before my period. I’ve been pregnant 3 times in the past 7 months-all ended in early miscarriage (5-7 weeks) and each time, my chin was zitless. 

We are now a few months shy of 3 years trying for baby number 2. I am 36, my husband 37. My daughter is 5.5...and every month that passes makes all of us another month older when it eventually happens. That is hard for me to swallow. I wanted and honestly felt like I needed my daughter’s sibling to be close in age. My sisters are both 1.5 years older/younger. My husband’s brother is 2.5 years older. I never expected it to take this long. 

My hormones tested normal a year ago. My husband’s sperm tested normal 6 months ago. I finally had a blood work panel done a couple of weeks ago, and it is also normal. I don’t drink or smoke. I eat mostly healthy and am active. I’m at a healthy weight. But my body fails me cycle after cycle, and robs me of my sanity and oftentimes my happiness. 

Secondary infertility is a real mindfuck. It is a lonely, maddening, devastating thing. “Unexplained secondary infertility” -is it even a real diagnosis? There must be SOMETHING wrong that can be fixed? It is so beyond frustrating and seems lazy. 

 Some may think that because I was blessed with my daughter that it must be easier for me. I am thankful every day for my daughter, and feel like the luckiest to have her. But I also feel like I am failing her month after month, not only because she asks me all the time for a baby brother or sister, but also because of my lack of presence. My mind is often elsewhere. I’m a shell of a person, and not the best mother I can and should be to her. I’m so focused on successfully getting pregnant, and it gets worse each month. I sink into a depression. I don’t have focus for her. I don’t have patience, I’m not as fun as I could be. I’m not as happy. I’m not myself. I’m so lost. This added guilt on top of monthly devastation and depression is a mix of feelings I cannot begin to describe. 

But alas, onto the next cycle. 

...The above was written in 2018. 14 Cycles have passed sense then. You can imagine what a psycho zombie I have become sense.