Everyone is pregnant when you are not pregnant

I hate Tuesday’s. I belong to a group on Facebook, and every Tuesday is “tummy Tuesday”, or a day when mama-to-be’s get to show off their baby bumps. I avoid Facebook every week, as to not subject myself to a sea of pregnant bellies. 

Everyone is pregnant when you are going through infertility. Literally everywhere you look, multiple people are pregnant. It is as if a fucked up brain pregnancy scanner switch turns on...it’s wild. Women shopping, crossing the street, cashiers, colleagues, my fertility nurse (yes, really), people in waiting rooms, actresses, characters on tv, cousins, friends, enemies, frenemies, sisters, drug dealers, hobos, murderers, grandmas, Every. One. 

Even men start to look pregnant. It is hard to not become ragey...and it makes me feel awful. Sometimes. The exceptions are when 1 someone has approximately 14 kids and is pregnant again, 2 someone is a drug addict loser who has given her existing children to family members, 3 someone who complains about a positive test, 4 someone who “omg! Wasn’t even trying...was on birth control! Total miracle”, clueless people who tried for one month. 

It’s so hard to remain positive and happy for people, but it is important to keep reminding myself that everyone has a story and journey that I know nothing about. They had their own path, and even though it is hard as hell not to compare, it’s vital to my mental health. “Why me?” And “it’s not fair” thinking is not helpful. 

It is ok to be happy for someone else and sad for yourself. It took me a while to figure that out...I felt like a horrible person, and there was so much guilt. Particularly when my sister told me she was pregnant, and due a few days after my first miscarriage. I was shocked, I didn’t know she was trying (not my business, but I just wasn’t expecting it). I cried. A lot...hysterically. I felt so bad, but couldn’t control it. She felt so bad...and it hurts me to my core to think that my experience ruined her happy news. She couldn’t fully be openly happy and excited. THAT wasn’t fair. It was difficult for me, and likely for her, to navigate that delicate balance of communication and feelings. I love my nephew so much, and once I got past those initial emotions I honestly felt nothing but happy about a new baby joining our family. 

But those people who literally aren’t even trying and are all “ooooops lol did it once, was on birth control, and now I’m 8 months preggerzzz”? FUCK THEM. And don’t get me started on the assholes who claim to be “so fertile, if he looks at me I am pregnant! Heeheeheee”