Pregnancy after loss

I’m nearly 14 weeks now and we have seen the little babe multiple times via ultrasound, and heard his heartbeat numerous times. We announced on social media, though “saying it out loud” was scary. I am finding myself feeling like now that I am pregnant, and it is going well, I have no right to continue to grieve and feel loss for my miscarriages. I wish that being successful in this journey meant erasing the awful hell that has led up to this point. I’m not dwelling on it, but the worry, anxiety, and grief does creep in here and there. And now I feel guilty about it, mostly because of those who are still in the midst of their infertility. I need to find a therapist.

Oh, hi there little wiggly baby! I can finally breathe a little, having seen a flickering heartbeat at week 6, 7, and now 9. Everything looks perfect. I’m in love with this little embryo, who will graduate to a fetus next Friday!

We got the beat!

Cautiously happy to report that we DID see the beautiful flickering of a heartbeat at our ultrasound on Wednesday. 134 gorgeous beats per minute. Baby measuring exactly to the day, 6 weeks and 5 days, due date July 10. Next step is another ultrasound next Wednesday! My emotions are all over the place, trying not to set myself up for disappointment while trying to stay positive and excited. I am hopeful. Praying that this embryo, which is now the size of a blueberry, continues to grow next week to be the size of a jelly bean.

Show me that flutter

One more night of complete anxiety. Tomorrow is the day-ultrasound to check for heartbeat. Lucky for me, I suppose, I never really got to that point with any of my losses (though I did lose one past 7 weeks). When I was pregnant with Sailor, I had an early ultrasound due to a prior miscarriage. My ultrasound was at 5 weeks and 4 days, and there wasn’t yet a heartbeat. There was a yolk sac and fetal pole, so they guessed that it was too soon. They were right, thankfully, because when I went again at 6 weeks and 3 days we saw her beautiful fluttering heart. I will be 6 weeks and 5 days tomorrow, so no heartbeat would mean no baby. Tomorrow is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. I was very close with him, and know he is looking down on me. I’m hoping for good news. If we can make it past this milestone, I can breathe a little easier.

Numbers, stats, tests oh my

It has been a week of waiting, wondering, and yes...testing. I tried to wait until 6 days after transfer, which was an unrealistic goal for a psycho like me. I’ve been stuck in my head, trying to stay calm and not give into crippling anxiety. I got my first positive test at 5 days after transfer, but started testing at 3 days after transfer. My blood test was 9 days after transfer, last Friday, and my hcg was good-208. My progesterone was borderline-12, so my doctor doubled my prescription. My TSH is higher than it has ever been, at 3.04, so my doctor doubled my synthroid dose and we will recheck in a couple weeks. Today was my recheck, and I’ve been a nervous wreck. With my 4 losses, I have never gotten a call back on the second check that was positive. I have gotten a few “well the number went up, but not by much. It could go either way”...one of those lasted for weeks with numbers going up, close to doubling, but not quite. Weeks of not knowing...it was traumatic and miserable. They waited to call me until 4 today...I thought it was a bad sign. I was wrong! My hcg is now 1508! It more than doubled. My progesterone also went up to 19. The plan is to recheck in 6 days, and an ultrasound is scheduled for Nov 20, which is significant because it is my Uncle Mike’s birthday. Pretty sure he is pulling some strings in another realm somewhere.

Stuck in between

Please God let this have worked. My anxiety is at 100%...I’m so scared that it failed. Waiting is driving me insane. I am not a fun person to be around right now. I’m so moody and want to just cry, thanks Progesterone. Hoping so much this embryo made itself cozy. 6 days until the blood test. 

United with embryo number one

Today was the perfect day. I woke up to an overwhelming amount of messages of love and support. The sun was shining so bright. I was abled to drive Sailor to school for the first time this year. We made a detour to Starbucks for a special treat, and were a little late to school. We drove to Farmington and listened to music we loved in college. After we arrived, our nurse explained the procedure and instructions. The doctor came in and showed us our embryos, he even gave us a photo to keep! He explained that our embryo has already started “hatching” which is a good sign, and that we have 2 others that are PGS normal and 2 partial mosaic. The nurse came to get me, and I held on to my rose quartz and my note from Sailor. The nurse read it and cried. She asked me what kind of music I wanted to play, and I couldn’t decide-rob asked for smash mouth, I went for classical. She told me that her best friend has my same birthday and her name is hope. The embryologist came in and told me that my embryo thawed “beautifully”.  She also told me that her middle name is Nolan. I got to watch my little shooting star embryo on the screen, and got a picture of the little white dot in my uterus. We went to get fries after because I heard that was good luck. I binged a funny show and took a nap. Pregnancy blood test November 1. Perfect day.